


I wish I were brave and sure today

by buckybunnyteeth



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Growing Up, Multi, Noras pov, Not Canon Compliant, The West-Allens are Jewish, West-Allen Family - Freeform, canonical facist future government
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 20:59:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18415736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckybunnyteeth/pseuds/buckybunnyteeth
Summary: Nora grows up with three constants. Her mother. Her Fathers ghost.And Cisco.





	I wish I were brave and sure today

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sibley (ferns)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferns/gifts).



> i haven't watched the newest season of the flash except for the first ep, so this is all based on my brain filling in the blanks from that. 
> 
> Set mostly in the future after Barry has disappeared, in the canon fascist govt of the future.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”

― John Banville, The Sea

 

When Nora grows up she won’t remember what it was like the week her father disappeared. As it happens she notices her mother go quiet, can tell she is sad, but cannot understand that her father isn’t going to walk through the door like he always has every day of her life.

Papa Joe explains it to them. That daddy is gone and that he won’t be coming back, but it doesn’t make sense to Nora. Daddy always comes back.

She and Don sit at the foot of the stairs coloring waiting for him, eager to show him their drawings. They don’t see their mother crying in the kitchen or crying herself asleep. She keeps all her tears locked away, where they can’t be hurt by them.

One morning Nora wakes to her mother packing a bag for them.

“Mama?”

Her mother smooths back her hair and kisses her forehead.

“Its okay baby, you and Donnie are going on a trip.”

Nora doesn’t ask where she isn’t quite at the age where everything said to her is followed by her asking ‘why?’. She just gets up, gets dressed with her mother's help, and walks out of her bedroom holding Dons hand while his other rubs at his bleary eyes.

They go downstairs, passing the mirror at the bottom that has been covered with a black cloth.

Their mother opens the door and neither of them can contain their shouts of excitement.

“Uncle Cisco!” Nora shouts.

“Tio!” Don shouts, and she pokes her tongue out at him for remembering the word when she didn’t.

Uncle Cisco grins down at them and ruffles their hair when they race forwards to hug him. If Nora was older she might have noticed the red rims in his eyes or the dimness of his smile.

“Hey tiny tots,” he chuckles as they each take hold of one of his legs, “You guys all ready to go?”

“You’re coming with us?!” Don wiggles in excitement.

Uncle Cisco looks at their Mom and they share a look that Nora can’t understand.

“Sweethearts,” their Mom says, kneeling down to their level, “You’re going to go stay with Uncle Cisco for a while.”

“Like a sleepover?” Nora asks.

Her mother smiles at her and brushes her curls away from her forehead, just like she does to help her go to sleep.

“Yeah, sweetie, like a sleepover. Cisco is going to look after you and Don for a few days, okay.”

“You’re not coming?” Don asks.

Their Mom bites her lip and breaths in a shaking breath that makes Nora worried without her really knowing why. Uncle Cisco reaches down and pulls their Mom up, rubbing her arm like their Daddy does when he and Mom sit next to each other on the couch.

“Your Mom has to do some important things,” he says softly, “Things that might make you sad or worried, so she wants me to take care of you while she does them.”

Nora looks at Don and Don looks back. They don’t understand, but Uncle Cisco is super smart and their Daddy’s best friend, so they nod their heads and put their backpacks on.

 

They stay at Uncle Cisco’s house for seven days, but it feels like weeks. It's an eternity to go without seeing their Mom or Papa Joe or Bubbe. Jenna is with them too but she’s so grown up, five years old nearly six, she doesn’t want to play her and Dons games unless they ask her twice.

At the end of every day, they ask Uncle Cisco when they can go home because they miss their Mommy and their house and their fish.

On the third day that feels like the tenth day Don says; “I wanna go home! Daddy might be home by now!”

And Uncle Cisco starts crying.

Nora freezes and Don looks at her with big scared eyes. Behind her, she hears Jenna drop one of her barbies.

Uncle Cisco puts his head in his hands as he makes a small sad noise, his hair falling down around his face. Nora can see the braid he let her put in it yesterday.

For a second, she doesn’t know what to do.

And then she remembers.

She runs forwards and wraps her arms around Uncle Cisco’s neck, hugging him close and kissing his hair. Just like her Mommy and Daddy do for her.

“It's okay to be sad,” she tells him, “It's okay to cry. I love you.”

Uncle Cisco chuckles, the sound wet from his tears and hugs her back. a moment later Don runs up and latches onto them and he hugs him too.

“Thank you,” Cisco says, pulling back to show them his usual bright smile, “I’m sorry if I scared you. And I’m sorry you can’t go home yet, it’ll just be a couple more days.”

“Okay,” Don says, “Can we play Jenga?”

Uncle Cisco laughs and Nora grins. It's one of her favorite sounds.

“Yeah, Donnie. We can play Jenga, as long as it’s okay with Jenna?”

Jenna scrunches up her face.

“Can we have ice cream too?”

“Okay! Ice cream and Jenga party, let’s go!”

They all cheer and in moments forget all about tears.

For the rest of their stay, Cisco makes them yummy food and reads them the Hobbit every night before they go to sleep. It’s fun, because Uncle Cisco is always fun, even if Nora wishes their Mom could be here too.

Cisco tries to tell them about mourning and Shiva, but Nora and Don don’t really understand, though Jenna dose mostly. Jenna asks if uncle Barry is in heaven, and he says that that’s something she will have to ask Bubba about because he doesn’t know. Jenna nods and says when she finds out she’ll tell Cisco.

When its time for them to go home Cisco drives them instead of Mommy coming to pick them up, and he makes them containers full of yummy food to take with them.

“Your cooking is much better than Mommy’s,” Nora tells him as she helps him to pack the car.

Uncle Cisco laughs.

“Yes, it is. Maybe don’t say that to her face though.”

“I’ll keep it secret,” the promises and crosses her heart, which only makes him grin wider.

Daddy isn’t home when they get there. Mommy hugs them extra tight and uncle Cisco doesn’t leave until sundown.

 

Daddy doesn’t come back.

Not even for her and Dons third birthday.

Nora doesn’t know why.

 

“I can’t do this.”

Nora and Don are playing in the sitting room, him coloring and her building with her Lego blocks, while Mommy and Uncle Cisco sit at the table. Their heads are bowed low together and while both of them have mugs of tea neither of them are drinking them.

It's been two months since her Daddy died.

“Give it time,” Uncle Cisco says, “Its- this isn’t something that’s going to get easier overnight.”

“It's not getting easier at all,” her Mommy says, one of her hands balled up in her hair, “They need so much- and it's not their fault, god I know it's not their fault but … I’m used to sharing the load.”

“Iris.”

“And I can’t quit my job to take care of them like they deserve because its what we are living off of- Barry left most of his money from Thawne to the kid’s futures and I’m not- I’m not going to take their future away from them just because … the new laws they passed, Cisco I can’t-”

Nora stops breathing and crawls closer to Don as she watches her mother bend forwards over the table, her shoulders beginning to shake.

Don clutches her hand.

In the kitchen Cisco reaches forwards and brushes their Mommy’s hair back from her face, his face more serious then Nora has ever seen it.

“I …” he starts and then sighs, “You and Barry have been my family since before I stopped straightening my hair-”

Their Mommy laughs and it comes out as a wet snort. She raises her head slightly to look at Uncle Cisco, tears still dripping down her cheeks.

“-I mean it, you guys- all you Wests and West-Allens, are _mi familia_. And there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for my family, you know that.”

She nods.

“…So let me take care of my family.”

Their Mommy frowns and then her eyes go wide.

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

Cisco smiles, but it's not a happy smile. It's like the smile their Daddy had when he told them about their Bubba Nora, who died.

“I’m their godfather,” Cisco continues, “This is the kind of thing I’m meant to do, right? And you’re not asking me, Iris. I’m offering.”

Their Mommy looks at him for a long moment.

“…You’ll cook?”

Cisco throws his head back and laughs. Nora smiles. No one has laughed that loud since Daddy went away.

“I’ll cook,” he agrees, still laughing and Their Mommy smiles, “I’ll clean, hell I’ll even wash the windows if you need me too. I’ve always wanted to be a house … godfather.”

Their Mommy’s smile dims.

“Cindy won’t mind?”

“It's easier for her to stay away from earth-1 these days because … well, you know why. I’ll talk to her though.”

Their Mommy nods.

“Okay,” she sighs, sitting up straight again and taking a gulp of her tea, “I’ll give Dad and Wally a call.”

Later that day Nora and Don run around under everyone’s feet while they move Uncle Cisco’s stuff into the spare room.

 

Nora loves Uncle Cisco living with them.

He cooks for them every day, and when Mommy goes to work he stays home to play with them. He takes them to the park, and reads to them, and goes with them to temple for Shabbat. He doesn’t know the words, but Nora didn’t always know them either, so she doesn’t laugh when he says them wrong.

 It makes her feel good the way sunshine does, the way falling asleep in Papa Joe’s lap dose, the way ice cream after swimming in the lake does.

Uncle Cisco is the best, even if he does make them eat their veggies.

But the best part is that he makes Mommy smile again.

Her real smile, not the sad one she had after Daddy went away.

During the week they tend to get either Mommy or Cisco with them the whole day, sometimes switching at night. But on the weekend they get both of them, and Nora finds herself going to sleep wishing the weekdays to go faster and the weekends to go slower just so she can have them for longer.

Uncle Cisco living with them becomes a routine. And then it becomes a fixture and a fact. And then, as she gets older, Nora begins to forget there was ever a time where she didn’t wake up to Uncle Cisco’s pancakes and go to sleep to his gentle Spanish lullabies.

She begins to forget her father.

 

A four Nora wakes in the middle of the night when she hears raised voices.

“-I can’t tell you!”

“What do you mean you can’t tell me? They are _my children_ , Cisco! I will not do this to them-”

“If I tell you it could change the timeline! This- Iris, this isn’t Savitar, we need to be delicate about this if we want to change the future-”

“You want me to repress them, Cisco! They will hate me for this, you know they will. I _need_ a reason!”

“A reason?! They will die, Iris. I saw it! I saw them d-”

The yelling cuts off abruptly and Nora falls back asleep

 

A week later their Mom lets them stay up late, wraps them in their big puffy coats and takes them to Uncle Cisco’s lab.

“Momma?” Don asks with a yawn, his Pikachu beanie slipping down over his eyes, “What are we here for?”

Mommy fixes his hat and picks them up to sit on the workbench.

“Uncle Cisco is going to give you some …” she pauses and swallows, her face looking sad for a moment, “…Medicine. A shot, like you got when you were little, remember?”

Nora scrunches up her nose.

“I don’t like shots.”

Their Mommy smiles.

“I know sweetie. It will only be one though.”

“Its medicine?” Don asks.

“Are we sick?” Nora follows up.

“No,” their mommy says firmly, holding their chins so they look at her, “There is nothing wrong with you, understand me? You are perfect, wonderful children and I love you very much, okay?”

Nora and Don are cheering their own ‘I love you’s’ when Cisco comes into the room. He smiles at them, but it's not a real smile.

Before they get their shots Cisco and Their Mom look at each other for a long moment, not speaking before they nod.

The shots hurt, and Don cries, but Nora doesn’t. Mommy kisses both their foreheads and takes them out for waffles and ice-cream.

 

Nora is five years old and she is scared.

She’s so scared she’s shaking, but the bike she’s on doesn’t shake with her.

Because Cisco is holding it up for her.

She looks to her side and sees Don looking back at her with a similarly scared expression.

Today is the day their training wheels got taken off their bikes. They had sat on the lawn beside Cisco as he unscrewed the tiny wheels and listened to their Mom and Papa Joe tell funny stories about when she had gotten the wheels taken off her bike at six.

And drove right into the neighbor’s tree.

Up ahead on the road Jenna is riding her big girl bike in circles shouting for them to catch up, that she’s bored, that they are being babies.

“Ready?” Their Mom asks from where she is holding up Dons bike.

Nora gulps and nods, anxious tears pooling in her eyes.

“Hey.”

She looks up into Cisco’s smiling face.

“What are you scared about, Nora-girl?”

She shrugs, biting her lip.

“I dunno.”

“Come on, you can tell me,” he says, still smiling, “What’s worrying you?”

“I …” Nora gulps, “What if I fall?”

Cisco looks down at her and his grin dims into something more serious. He sighs and shakes his head slightly as he speaks.

“Nora…” he pauses and sighs again, “Nora I can’t promise you that you’re never gonna fall. I can’t even promise you that I will be there to catch you every time. Sooner or later, you’re going to fall.”

Nora feels her legs start to shake harder. She imagines how it will hurt, the scuffs she’ll get on her legs and how they will sting, how the blood will look-

“But why do we fall, Nora?”

“Huh?”

Cisco smiles again.

“Why do we fall?”

Nora scrunches up her nose in thought. She shakes her head.

“I don’t know why.”

“A good friend once told me; we fall so we can learn to pick ourselves back up,” he put a steady hand on top of her helmet, “We fall. We hurt. And then we get up and we keep going. Falling isn’t the scary part Nora. The scary part is letting the fear of falling stop you from trying at all.”

Nora scrunches her nose up harder.

“I … think I get it. Maybe.”

Cisco nods and puts his hand back on the handlebars beside her own.

“You ready?”

Nora nods shakily, gulping.

She might fall. And she might fall without anyone there to catch her. But she has to know what it feels like, to go so fast, faster than she can run all the while balanced on so little. A part of her heart reaches out in curiosity, and its talking louder than the fear.

Her legs stop shaking.

“I’m ready.”

She focuses forwards, sharing one last look with Don, and squares her shoulders.

She feels Cisco and Mom share a look and then they count down;

“5…4…3…2…1-GO!”

And then they are moving, Cisco running along beside her as she peddles. She feels like she’s going faster than she ever has before.

And then, without any warning, Cisco pulls away-

-and she feels like she’s flying.

Beside her, Don lets out a shout of excitement and she answers it with one of her own.

She can’t even feel her legs anymore, but they must be peddling because she’s only getting faster. The trees and houses stream by, and the shouts of Papa Joe, of Cisco and Mom, drift behind her in the wind too slow to catch her.

She feels so fast and she wonders-

Is this how her father felt?

 

They do fall later. Don first and then her, getting scrapes on their knees. But they don’t stay down.

 

“Ow!”

“Ooh, sorry baby,” her mother chuckles and kisses her forehead where the hair was pulling too tight, “It won’t be much longer, I promise.”

Nora looks at herself in the mirror and glares.

Her Mom is curling her hair up on top of her head behind a whole lot of glittery butterfly clips, and she let Nora wear some glitter on her eyelids because it’s a special occasion. It matches her purple frilly dress that has a bouquet of cloth flowers sewn onto the front.

She looks so pretty.

But she feels sad.

“I don’t wanna go.”

“Nora,” her Mom sighs as she finishes her hair and goes to get her glittery dancing shoes, “You’re just saying that.”

Anger rises up in her throat and she feels like she wants to cry.

“I’m not going!” she shouts.

Her Mommy turns around and gives her a stern look. Nora feels bad, she knows it's not nice to yell at people you love, but no one has listened to her about this.

Tonight is the night of her schools Daddy daughter dance.

And she doesn’t have a Daddy.

Her Daddy is dead.

Her mother sits down beside her, and Nora can’t look at her. She’s too angry and too guilty feeling to meet her eyes.

Her mom sighs and brushes a gentle hand down her skirt.

“Nora, please explain to me why you don’t want to go. I can see its upsetting you, but I can’t help unless you tell me.”

Nora looks up and meet her mothers’ eyes in the mirror.

Her mothers’ eyes are soft and gentle. A few months ago she cut off all her hair sitting in this chair at her dressing table. Nora had watched in fascination as the long silky tresses had tumbled to the ground and left behind small spiky stumps. Now her mommy has small curls that she knows are as soft as a cloud because every night when her Mom kisses her goodnight she rubs them.

The memory chases away her tears and she feels her throat unstick.

“I don’t wanna be the only girl without a daddy,” she whispers, “I don’t … I don’t want to go on my own.”

“Oh, sweetie.”

Her mom hugs her to her side and kisses the top of her head.

“I know you miss your dad,” her mom says, “I miss him too. And it can be hard to keep living without- … without him.”

He mom’s voice wavers and Nora hugs her back.

“But he wouldn’t want you to miss out on things because of him.”

Nora nods against her moms’ side, not really agreeing. She still doesn’t want to go.

“Tell ya what,” her mom grins at her in the mirror, “Come downstairs with me, and if you still don’t want to go you don’t have to, okay?”

Nora frowns. She doesn’t see what going downstairs will change.

“Okay,” she says skeptically.

Her Mom nods, helps her to get her shoes on and leads her downstairs.

She gets down to the bottom step and gasps.

“Cisco!” she shouts.

Cisco grins at her. He’s standing by the door, his hair tied back from his face and wearing a tuxedo like she’s only seen him wear once at Uncle Ralphs wedding. And he’s holding a small bundle of purple flowers in his hand.

“My lady,” he says and bows, “May I present you with this corsage?”

He attaches the flowers to her wrist and Nora giggles.

As he kneels down in front of her, he smiles softly at her.

“I know I’m not your dad, Nora, but I was wondering if it would be okay for me to go to the dance with you?”

Nora looks up at her Mom and nods.

“Yeah. You can come.”

Cisco grins and sweeps her up into a twirl as she giggles, and her Mom takes photos of them, a matching grin on her face.

When they get to the dance Nora sees that she’s not the only one there with someone who isn’t their dad. But by then she’s forgotten about being sad. She and Cisco dance for every song and then they come home and have pizza with Mommy and Don, telling them all about their night.

Mommy leans against Cisco’s side on the couch and gives him a watery-eyed look. He hugs her shoulders and kisses her hair, his eyes watery also.

**Author's Note:**

> I have been writing this forever, and I still am, but I am going to upload it in chunks instead as one long fic so I can feel better about achieving something.
> 
> For Fern, who helped me develop this a lot, and gave me so much information. I am not Jewish, so I hope what I have written is respectful and accurate. 
> 
> I promise the rest of the chapters are gonna be up soon! (ill add tags as i go)


End file.
